Saturday, June 7, 2008

God stole the miracle

You know, stealing is just rude. I'd like to start by saying that. Some people say intelligence borrows and genius steals. I don't know if that's true. It's more like, intelligence is alright with me, and genius is a plain old douche for being proclaimed (or self proclaimed) genius, and two, for f*&*ing stealing.

Stealing? It makes a person want to say: "Dude get your hands off my stuff."

So my point is this. I told someone the other day: "knowing you is a miracle" to be translated as "You are awesome" and they couldn't appreciate it fully for it's implications. It's DIVINE implications. Well thanks a lot God! And it is here that I have a problem.

Miracle - the latin route means literally "something wonderful"

WHERE does that say anything about God? So what, now everything that's a miracle has to somehow involve god? I mean c'mon, isn't that a little greedy?

Take this example:
Great! You just survived a bout of really bad acne through your teenage years?! It's a miracle! But God had to stick a greedy little acne free nose in there and say - well, technically I helped (and a little trademark symbol rears its ugly head - a zit hanging off the unsuspecting tip of poor Miracle). So somewhere along the line someone at the dictionary had their back turned and Miracle got swiped (and zitted with divine COPYright?!!).

Well I've got news. Me and my kind are taking miracles back! I shake my fist at that holier than thou! Miracles are just wonderful things.

The Grinch stole Christmas? Well God stole the miracle. Who's right? Who's wrong? Who's just a douche bag? You decide.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Signs (a word from the driverside)

Sometimes it's important to read between the lines, and other times, well, I find the lines themselves do the talking.

We all had somewhere to be this morning, and I got in front of someone who decided to speed up just to hit the breaks to force me to cut him off. So he started twitching a bit like a nerve damaged chipmunk being attacked by a hungry ant colony.

So I followed my special protocol - which as a result of today I will now be enforcing:
Step 1: flash the peace sign as if to say "chill man, we're all tryin to get somewhere and I won't hold your road rage against you if you yield now...there's still time to turn back..." (now, bear in mind this can have the opposite of it's intended effect if the opponent is a super douche. If this is the case, be prepared to put on your solid steel panties)

Step 2: When Step 1 undoubtedly escalates your opponent, making him mock you for your *attempt at resolving things peacefully* (at this point he surely will have you pegged as a dirty hippie that must be high) you crank up the volume and slowly start to bear your fangs as a warning. This may be done by using the universal symbol for "jerk-off," which with grace and simplicity in one girating motion of the hand, (held right where he can see it) will call him what he is. A jerk-off.

Step 3: By this point the balls are landing plentifully in your court. You've confused your opponent, pulled a 180, and caught him off guard (since his coffee was probably as limp as his wee wee). It is now that you must deal the fatal blow. With all sincerity, you give the universal symbol for: "bring it the F*ck on." At this point you've got him.

Step 4: *The endnote* He starts to cower, no longer holding eye contact. He is but a shadow of his former self... but for one last look - at which point you exclaim into the rearview, as though it were your microphone of reflection...weaving together sight and sound: you cunt.

May this be a protocol to carry us across the ages.

Friday, December 21, 2007

been a long time...

...still crazy after all these: blogs?

So I am psyched I have survived to see another year. They keep getting more entertaining I tell you. But maybe you already knew.

This was definitely the best birthday yet. A girl's got a mind to feel awfully fabulous when she gets awesome cake.

Thanks cake for, well, being cake and for being at my birthay. You must get tuckered out attending all these functions all the time. Dude I see you everywhere...especially around the holidays.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Open up a can of Whiplash?

So I write because I cannot walk. And I cannot walk because I have no legs. apparently. (**Looks down, shocked to find two lovely lady lum...err, well, past those, two lovely lady stumps and no shoes...becomes spontaneously aware of crippling denial)

So I write today to talk about a very special time of year. A time of reflection. A time of recollection. A time of opening up a can of whiplash?

I am always reminded of my mortality (and capacity for humor) for a moment in time I would like to call my annual Winter-Fall.

It happens every year it seems. Out of the blue I lose my suspension (not footing, for I have no feet) and wipe out on some sort of ice. Black and blue ice? Now, it's kinda funny. I mean, who doesn't laugh when they see somebody bite the dust, wipe out or as they say in Boston "DIGGER!!!"

So I'm on my way to band practice, just parked and walking toward the door to the practice space. It can be said that all practice spaces come fully equipped with precarious entries. Just in front of the door as I am reaching for my key, BLAMO. I open my eyes: sprawled out like a pancake. On the ground. Culprit: patch of ice...and my lack of eyes. 20/20 hindsight would be great if I had eyes on me ars but I was woefully born defficient. So: ice, slip, fall like a plank on cold hard ground. pause. don't pass out. pause. everything still attached? Remarkably even the LEGS. Curl up into a ball. don't pass out. pain. everywhere.

And yet, in that moment mid air, knowing I was going to be in a world of hurt shortly, I had one thought. I remember thinking, 'damn! I hope somebody at least gets a load of this!' Because while it hurt a lot at the time, even as my brain was busy taking inventory on all of my 2000 parts, it was still funny - at least to the onlookers if there were any. And you have to admit, any movie with a scene like the one I described always gets a laugh or two.

Physical comedy has its own place at the round table of funny. It might be under the table begging for scraps but it's still there.

So in hopes of making light of my heavy hit, I beseech you, heed the message of my tale and watch your tails this icy season.

Yours sorely,
Asian Cowgirl

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A blog for all seasons...especially ones with turkeys

So I have to say that this Thanksgiving: awesome. I had the best surprise of my life whereby my beau came down to my hometown in the country of Texas and hung with my fam...and didn't run away screaming.

Quite the opposite in fact. Everything that could have gone right went, well, right. Does that make him Mr. Right? Is that what all that means?

I'll tell you right now this Cowgirl doesn't feel compelled to ask too many questions...just the right ones. :)

So here's to keeping up my end of the bargain and having at least a couple of blogs now and again. Encouragement is always appreciated but never anticipated.

Among other things I feel really lucky to have such an awesome man in my life. And I want to share that with the world. And what people have told me is true. It happens when you aren't looking.

I have more to say on this topic, and maybe you do too...right now I get to go to my first Subaru meet and so I can't keep my yet-to-be-met friends and compatriots waiting.


Monday, November 19, 2007

a girl's gotta start somewhere

Big little baby's first blog.

I think I have more affiliate names than I have ever had - she who rides horses, big little baby, kernsy, captain sweetheart...the list, it keeps growing. But I think I like it. And Asian cowgirl - it has a lovely ring to it.

So maybe I am gonna rue the day I started this blog - but probably not. A real wise guy once said that it's more likely for a person to have regrets about what they haven't done, versus what (though maybe slightly dumb or misguided things) they have done.

At any rate, the way I look at it, if you make a bad decision, you can always make another decision. So it seems to me the key is to just keep making decisions.

So a few post toasts:

Here's to making decisions

and here's to life in the virtual lane friends.