God stole the miracle

You know, stealing is just rude. I'd like to start by saying that. Some people say intelligence borrows and genius steals. I don't know if that's true. It's more like, intelligence is alright with me, and genius is a plain old douche bag...one for being proclaimed (or self proclaimed) genius, and two, for f*&*ing stealing.

Stealing? It makes a person want to say: "Dude get your hands off my stuff."

So my point is this. I told someone the other day: "knowing you is a miracle" to be translated as "You are awesome" and they couldn't appreciate it fully for it's implications. It's DIVINE implications. Well thanks a lot God! And it is here that I have a problem.

Miracle - the latin route means literally "something wonderful"

WHERE does that say anything about God? So what, now everything that's a miracle has to somehow involve god? I mean c'mon, isn't that a little greedy?

Take this example:
Great! You just survived a bout of really bad acne through your teenage years?! It's a miracle! But God had to stick a greedy little acne free nose in there and say - well, technically I helped (and a little trademark symbol rears its ugly head - a zit hanging off the unsuspecting tip of poor Miracle). So somewhere along the line someone at the dictionary had their back turned and Miracle got swiped (and zitted with divine COPYright?!!).

Well I've got news. Me and my kind are taking miracles back! I shake my fist at that holier than thou! Miracles are just wonderful things.

The Grinch stole Christmas? Well God stole the miracle. Who's right? Who's wrong? Who's just a douche bag? You decide.

Signs (a word from the driverside)

Sometimes it's important to read between the lines, and other times, well, I find the lines themselves do the talking.

We all had somewhere to be this morning, and I got in front of someone who decided to speed up just to hit the breaks to force me to cut him off. So he started twitching a bit like a nerve damaged chipmunk being attacked by a hungry ant colony.

So I followed my special protocol - which as a result of today I will now be enforcing:
Step 1: flash the peace sign as if to say "chill man, we're all tryin to get somewhere and I won't hold your road rage against you if you yield now...there's still time to turn back..." (now, bear in mind this can have the opposite of it's intended effect if the opponent is a super douche. If this is the case, be prepared to put on your solid steel panties)

Step 2: When Step 1 undoubtedly escalates your opponent, making him mock you for your *attempt at resolving things peacefully* (at this point he surely will have you pegged as a dirty hippie that must be high) you crank up the volume and slowly start to bear your fangs as a warning. This may be done by using the universal symbol for "jerk-off," which with grace and simplicity in one girating motion of the hand, (held right where he can see it) will call him what he is. A jerk-off.

Step 3: By this point the balls are landing plentifully in your court. You've confused your opponent, pulled a 180, and caught him off guard (since his coffee was probably as limp as his wee wee). It is now that you must deal the fatal blow. With all sincerity, you give the universal symbol for: "bring it the F*ck on." At this point you've got him.

Step 4: *The endnote* He starts to cower, no longer holding eye contact. He is but a shadow of his former self... but for one last look - at which point you exclaim into the rearview, as though it were your microphone of reflection...weaving together sight and sound: you cunt.

May this be a protocol to carry us across the ages.